First of all, Hi my name is Cassy I'm 20 and I'm lost. I want to address this "Jack of all trades, master of nothing", I had a substitute in school once describe herself as that. Since then I have decided that it make sense in my life as well. I have done so many things in my life, and I excel in most things that I try, but I haven't yet found that one thing that I LOVE and that I'm amazing at.
I am starting this blog because I tend to keep all of my feelings inside. I don't really know what this will turn into or if I'll even keep it up. I'm not a writer at all but I do believe I have interesting things to say. I don't even expect people to read this, I think I'm mainly doing this for myself. I'm sitting here at 1:30 in the morning with so many things to say and no one to say them to.
In the last week I decided to once again drop out of college. All I know is I was unhappy there and I don't know why. I wasn't unhappy with the people I met or the city at all. I mean, shoot if college was all about hanging out with fantastic people in a gorgeous city I would be all for it. However it unfortunately not, as I sat in my math class and looked around at all the people nodding their heads in agreement to the nonsense I was seeing written on the board, I just had this extreme sinking feeling. I hadn't taken math since I was 17 years old, which is completely my fault, but shoooot I HATE it. Numbers make no sense at all, words and thoughts are much easier. You can bullshit words until your hearts content, but numbers, there are rules. Rules that must be followed. I was never any good at doing that. I don't ask for help. I hate it, I hate feeling weak and helpless, I always feel like I need to keep up this persona of being perfect. I have always been the person that everyone else goes to for help. I do the helping.
It's not like I'm bad at school, if I were to really try I know I could do it. But I have never wanted to go to college. I just did it because it what was supposed to happen. I do value education and I do hope to someday get my bachelors but at least for now I finished beauty school.
I'm really going to try and just listen to what God wants for my life. I have spent so much of the last year pushing Him away and doing what I think will make me happy, and well obviously it hasn't worked.
So, that's what I'm doing. I'm chasing after God, writing a blog and growing up.
xoxo Gossip Girl
or
Cassy Swain ; ) haha
